TAFE 2008 Diary Cover - Graphic

24 02 2008

Not really a piece of journalism exactly, but rather a project I had to design for my graphics class.  Pretty proud of this to be honest; the theme for the TAFE 2008 Diary covers was to be that of vivid colour, which I think this does nicely.  Just a shame that I forgot to enter into the competition; my teacher thought I had a shot, and the one that was actually chosen was butt fugly.

A simple bit of photochopping, but full marks have to count for something hey?

-Tim Sweeney

diary-cover-online.jpg





Worthy - A short story set within the Warhammer 40,000 Science Fiction Universe

24 02 2008

(Space Marines, Warhammer 40,000 and a whole bunch of other things appearing in this story are the property of Games Workshop. This story was written for a 40k website, the Bolter and Chainsword

UPDATE: This story was recently chosen to be published in the Bolter and Chainsword Librarium, and as such I’ve gone through it and made some changes to bring it up to scratch.)

Worthy

By Tim Sweeney

     

The shrouded figure walked slowly through the flickering shadows of the under-hive streets. He was huge; as large a man as had ever been seen by the derelicts peering through shattered windows, or around the corners of crumbling habs.

He moved with his head down, face hidden within the all-encompassing folds of his plain grey robes. There was no way that he could have seen the dozen shadowy figures stalking him silently overhead. It didn’t matter.

He could smell them.

Brachuss had sensed the young men falling in around him some time ago; he had smelt the sickly-sweet sweat and the cloying musk of obscura smoke that clung to their unwashed bodies. He had heard the slight noise of their breathing and he had tasted their exhilaration, as well as their fear.

He knew that a particularly dark, abandoned manufactorum was but a few hundred metres up the road. He tensed imperceptibly as he prepared for the gangers to finally work up the courage to make their move.

Brachuss knew the impoverished gang members had probably mistaken him for an up-hive guard or gladiator; a vat-grown slab of muscle, richly decorated by his even richer masters. They probably thought he was slumming in the underhive for amusement; perhaps he had had too much to drink and was looking for trouble; maybe he sought to impress a particular lady friend with his sheer courage.

The poor fools could not have been more wrong.

As he crossed the road towards the abandoned factory, he sensed one of the men snicker at their unbelievable luck; the mark was walking right into a dank, decrepit, and completely soundproof abandoned building! The soft click of weapon safeties being flicked off followed Brachuss as he strode into the pitch-dark entrance way.

The first shots rang out with alarming celerity; clearly murdering their victim and robbing his corpse was more important to the impoverished, desperate gangers than bravado or empty threats.

Brachuss moved out from behind the old cogitator he had taken cover behind, fully thirty metres further along the manufactorum floor than it should have been possible for him to reach; they had only lost sight of him for the split second it had taken him to walk through the complex doorway.

As the gang members swung their rifles around to aim at this surprisingly fast target, Brachuss shrugged out of his robes and sprang straight upwards, latching onto the catwalk opposite the gangers and pulling himself to a standing position in one swift movement.

Brachuss heard the gunfire wane as the gangers felt the first inklings of true fear; he could smell it on them, a thick miasma as they realised their intended victim was not what he seemed.

He stood there, an errant beam of pure white light shining upon him through a fissure in one of the structure walls. His seven-and-a-half feet tall, perfectly muscled form was clothed only in a brief loincloth and bandoleer, but the stark white light seemed to encase him in the armour of an angel of death.

The enemy stood stunned for only a moment; they recovered their wits quickly, and autoguns that had fallen slack in their owners’ hands rose to target the terrifyingly majestic form standing before them.

They were fast, but not as fast as he was; they were good fighters, cunning and forged in the heat of vicious street warfare, but they were not as good as he was. They were only human.

He was more.

As the first shots began to ricochet off the walls around him, Brother-Sergeant Elkin Tileath Brachuss of the Adeptus Astartes Lords of Twilight chapter raised his bolt pistol and carefully squeezed off two perfectly aimed shots. Small explosions briefly lit the interior of the manufactorum, the bolt rounds serving both to kill his targets instantly and to reveal further enemies cowering in the dark.

As his first two victims were still in the process of detonating, Brachuss somersaulted off the catwalk. He landed amongst two more gangers that had dropped to the floor to seek cover; both were died with shocked expressions on their faces. He sensed a fifth juve attempting to sneak up behind him; a backhand throw pinned this would-be attacker to the wall, a combat knife through his chest.

The Emperor had protected the marine, but he knew that the Emperor’s providence could only extend so far. With a few parting shots fired at the gangers still sheltering on the catwalks above, Brachuss fled into what looked like an old office. Once inside, he took little time to survey his surroundings; instead he leapt through the window and ran silently up the stairs that standard Imperial manufactorum design said would be in the next room. It took the Marine little time to work through the innards of the manufactorum, and soon he had doubled back on the remainder of the gang.

The gangers were still sheltering between old machinery on the first story catwalks. One figure, an obvious leader both by his bearing and the finery of his apparel, was exhorting his comrades to hunt down ‘the gladiator’. He told them that there would be more creds to go around now that there were fewer members of the band. It appeared that the efforts of the gang leader were finally having an effect; his men (some were little more than boys) were preparing to move out.

Brachuss smiled. He rolled off the platform he had been crouched upon, landing silently on his bare feet in the midst of the juves. The gang boss sensed the presence behind him and spun, his laspistol rising to aim at this new target; Brachuss’ fist exited the back of his skull before he could fire his first shot.

Before any of the stunned gang members could begin to react, Brachuss dropped into a crouch and clenched his jaw, spitting highly corrosive acid into the face of the nearest ganger. Reacting with preternatural speed, he spun on the spot, firing a bolt round into the chest of a startled-looking juve. He was darting around an old storage unit, scanning for the next enemy, before the agonised gurgling of the victim of his acidic spit had finally ceased.

In the entire combat so far, Brachuss had flawlessly killed seven enemies, possibly an eighth if his knife throw had been fatal. His precocious attack had been perfectly in keeping with the tenets of the Lords of Twilight; hit hard, hit fast and execute all actions to perfection The Sergeant had lived up to his creed admirably, but his alacrity in getting amongst the foe had finally led to his first mistake.

The gang had shown themselves to be fairly skilled, making up for their lack of direct combat experience with the ruthlessness and cunning that life in the underhive often brings about. They had ambushed a target with close to military precision, and had adapted well when their target had begun systematically taking them apart. Yet with this monster close in amongst them, killing them seemingly at will, all discipline within their ranks broke down.

Four gangers remained in the fight; four young men with the focus of their anger appearing from behind cover straight into their midst. Four gang members stared at their enemy from four different directions, and as one they let rip with their rifles, spraying the area on full auto.

Brachuss realised his mistake even as the first round took him between the shoulder blades. He dove headlong into a roll and managed to avoid sustaining further hits, but even as he raised his pistol to kill the impertinent fool that had shot him, he saw the ganger become the victim of the vicious crossfire his terrified friends had begun.

He was angry now. Up to this point it had been a test; a game to challenge the marine and any of the young men that were worthy. But he had failed the test; he had not been perfect. The dogs had struck him, and now it was time to strike back.

With a roar like an avalanche, Brachuss broke from cover and charged the nearest ganger. He barely registered two more shots hitting him; one taking him in the thigh, the other the left shoulder. He clubbed the juve to the ground brutally, the butt of his pistol caving in his skull. Knowing what was to come, Brachuss lifted the broken body in his hand. Feeling the impacts of the solid slug ammunition hitting his makeshift shield, Brachuss stood in the open and coldly executed the final two gangers before tossing the brutalised corpse to the ground.

He stood still and focused for a moment, mentally castigating himself for the loss of discipline, the loss of perfection that had come about due to his hubris. He had decided to enjoy himself and he had paid the price for his arrogance. It was a mistake that he had made in the past; one that all the marines of his chapter had made in the past. He knew he would make it again. It was the curse of the Lords of Twilight; the pursuit of perfection always just out of reach. Although the physical wounds barely fazed the marine, they were a suitable reminder of the sins of pride.

These dark thoughts were interrupted by a scuffling sound from the floor of the manufactorum. Peering over the edge of the catwalk, Brachuss was surprised to find that one of his victims was still alive.

Dropping to the floor, Brachuss quietly approached the juve. He was still pinned to the wall, the combat knife thrown so viciously that the crossbar had become wedged in the ganger’s ribs. It must have been tremendously painful, but the ganger made not a sound; he simply attempted to pull the blade free with his one working arm, fingers scrabbling uselessly at the hilt.

He showed no sign of fear at Brachuss approach, instead going so far as to spit at the marine. The Marine noted the blood in the young man’s sputum; the knife had obviously ruptured a lung, and it appeared unlikely that he would live a great deal longer without medicae attention. Brachuss stood gravely in front of his victim, and his sheer size seemed to diminish the juve’s defiant posture somewhat.

“What is your name?”

It was the time that Brachuss had spoken since the fight had begun, and it seemed unnatural to hear such a well-modulated, cultured voice coming from such a being, especially containing as it did a modicum of respect.

The juve tried to spit at him again, but did not seem to have the strength, instead mumbling “What are you?”

“I am of the Astartes young warrior, and I believe I asked you a question,”

The juve blanched, his face white with fear; even with everything he had seen this monster do, he could not believe that this was a Space Marine!

When no answer was forthcoming, Brachuss decided this encounter had gone on long enough. He stepped forward to break the young warrior’s neck, believing the fate to be more honourable than slowly drowning in his own blood. The juve had other ideas however, and as Brachuss stepped forward the ganger ripped the knife from his own chest and leapt at the startled marine. He was not so startled however, as to miss catching the young man’s arm and casually stop it from reaching his flesh.

“My name is Novak, you son of a twist, and I’m the man who killed you!”

Brachuss’ laughter stole some of the wounded young warrior’s thunder. “Well Novak,” he began, “I admire your single-mindedness, if nothing else. Perhaps this little encounter has not been in vain after all.” With that, Brother-Sergeant Brachuss ripped the knife from the juve’s hands and proceeded with incapacitating him.

After carefully landing enough blows to render the young warrior compliant without killing him, Brachuss removed the vox from his bandoleer and signalled Inquisitor Bautista for the pickup. Brachuss and his fellow Lords of Twilight had come here at the Inquisitor’s request due to the ancient debt, but perhaps this Emperor-forsaken journey to Reach’s World would have an upside after all.

“This is Brachuss. I have one that may be worthy, but he is in need of emergency medicae attention. The Emperor Protects,”

“Acknowledged, Brother-Sergeant. Stiletto inbound. The Emperor Protects,”





Quick Update

24 02 2008

My story on Anonymous is being pushed back for a couple of days due to a lack of time for proper research.

 All is not lost however, as I have put up some restaurant reviews (which have appeared previously on iPGN) and a guide to being an online gaming admin (something I’ve been meaning to write a feature on for a long time).

The restaurant reviews are in the General section, the admin feature is under Games.

More content as I get it done.

-Tim Sweeney





Tim the Corsair’s Guide to Being an Admin - Feature

24 02 2008

In the guise of my alter-ego Corsair, I’ve played online games since there pretty much was an online.  The original C&C on Westwood Chat with my 9600 baud modem? I was there.  Quake, Age of Empires, StarCraft, Team Fortress, Unreal Tournament, if it was playable on the internet, I played it.

It wasn’t until my UT days that I realised, however, that there were certain people out there that took on some responsibility during their gaming time.  As a mere lad fragging away at the PC into the wee hours, I watched these “Admins” rule the servers with an iron fist, kicking and banning the enemies of order with only a cold “You were warned about using porn sprays n00b” uttered before completely annihilating their foes from their online existence.

I was just a young teenager at the time, and I remember the attraction of all this e-power.  Being able to own people in a server was one thing, but being able to determine which map was next, or even whether you’d let a certain person play at all?  That was practically god-like!

With this in mind I set about making friends with the admins on a certain ISPs Unreal Tournament servers.  This led to my attaining admin powers fairly quickly (I can be a pretty convincing guy apparently).  After the novelty wore off, I realised a few things:

  • You can’t run around doing what you want with your new-fangled powers without getting massively smacked down for it by the higher ups.
  • Your status as an admin means that every other teenage boy on a power trip is going to stick to you like the pages of a dirty magazine.
  • After a week or so you realise that, far from being fun, being an admin turns a game into work.

My time as a UT player came to an end soon after this period.  After flirting with various games I became a pretty massive Counter-Strike addict, eventually joining the community on the iPrimus Gaming Network (as I’m sure you’ve gathered, I feel no shame in plugging iPGN).

After a couple of years playing there I applied for, and was accepted as an admin.  I figured that with the maturity brought about by the passing of years, as well as a nicer player group (yes, CS players are better than the old school UT players, a damn scary thought) would make the experience that much more enjoyable.

Boy was I wrong.

It would be no exaggeration to say that becoming a CS admin ruined the game for me.  I was a hardcore player, I warred, lanned, did all of that stuff.  After becoming an admin all sense of enjoyment fled like choir boys from a Catholic priest.   It wasn’t until I began casually playing CS:Source, as well as multiple other games that I even started to regain an interest in online gaming at all.

So this, dear reader, isn’t so much a guide as a warning; many people seem to covet the status that comes with being an admin (a sad indictment in its own right actually, but I digress), but few people consider the repercussions of making what was an enjoyable activity into work.

Still, many people take up the challenge.  I have a lot of respect for anyone that can take on the responsibility (at it is a responsibility) of being an administrator and stick with it for a long period of time; I don’t think I lasted over a year in either of my tenures.  In that time, however, I accomplished a fair bit in a variety of circumstances, and at a time where the amount of cheating and what not that was happening on CS servers was at an all time high.

So without further ado, here is my list of qualities and skills that I think will make you a good admin; they’re applicable to pretty much any online gaming type.   I’ll also feel free to point out why having these qualities and skills will ruin the game for you.  I’ve separated the points into the following categories:

  • Responsibility
  • Care
  • Selflessness
  • Humbleness
  • Intelligence
  • Tenacity

I just realised that these could form the acronym CHRIST, but as I’m not feeling quite that blasphemous today, it shall instead be known as RCSHIT.

R: The first, and perhaps the most important, thing that you need to become an effective admin is a sense of responsibility.  It is this sense of responsibility that should call you to serve your gaming community (rather than your ego or wanting to change the gravity on the server), and it’s this sense of responsibility that will stop you having any fun just playing the game as you instead have to demo the hackers, exit the game, upload the demos to the main server, type up a report, and then ensure they are permanently banned from all the servers you administrate.  Then you’ll have to do it again when they login 5 minutes later with a new CD-Key.

C: Care must be taken in every action.  Each server will have different rules and procedures, but almost all will be pretty strict in how you are supposed to carry them out.  And woe to any new admins that go against these procedures, even when your way might seem to make more sense.  Generally speaking, things are set up a certain way for a reason.  It might seem more prudent to instantly ban that guy that you just know is cheating; however this might one day come back to bite you on the arse as, instead of banning an obvious hacker, you instead ban a guy that’s a member of the best CS clan in Australia (whoops).

S: This is the biggy.  I don’t mean selflessness in the sense that you have to let bad players kill you while you’re on the server.  Rather, it’s a question of “do I play the game in disguise, and enjoy a blissful hour where no one is harassing me; or do I put my admin tag on, harden up, and deal with what I signed up for?”  I’m the first to admit that I have a much more hardcore view of what an admin’s role should be than most;  I used my nickname and admin tag whenever I played, and only used an alias when I was doing some detective work on a server and didn’t want to warn my target.  Other people make the argument that the game shouldn’t solely be work, and that’s a valid point.

However even if you’re a pretty liberal admin, you’re still going to have to do things that you don’t want to do.  Fancy warring with your clan tonight? Too bad, you’re adminning someone else’s war.  Want to jump onto your favourite server and just frag away with your friends?  Sorry, you’re wanted on the other server because someone is being racist. 

No matter the time of day, no matter what you’re doing, there will always be something more important than your enjoyment waiting to be done, and sooner or later it will cause you to crack.

H: There is nothing sadder than a player with an ego that won’t allow them to accept that someone out there might be better than them.

Actually, scratch that, an admin who can’t tell the difference between someone cheating and someone who is just better than them is much, much sadder.  Sure the occasional mistake will be made; it’s a part of the learning experience.  But if you can’t spot the difference between a wallhack and someone with headphones, then you’re probably in the wrong job.  There are excuses for being unsure of whether someone is cheating or not; there are no excuses for letting your ego stop you from asking for help with a tough case, or stop you from admitting you made a mistake and rectifying it.

I: This one is simple in theory; you need to be smart enough to spot the people that are causing the problems, deal with them in a timely fashion, and not be taken in by any BS excuses or con-jobs that they may attempt.

In practice it’s a whole other story.  Every online game constantly evolves, and with it the player-base and the available cheating or harassment methods evolve too.  The obvious cheaters are, in many ways, the simplest problem that an admin will face.  It’s the subtler enemies, the bigots, the exploiters, the blockers, etc that you come across that will determine the kind of admin you are.  Server policy will determine your reaction to most of these, but a fair amount of discretion is usually allowed.  Personally, I generally took a “3 strikes and you’re kicked” approach to offenders, regardless of the offence.  If multiple players were abusing each other, all of them would receive the same warnings.  If a repeat offender returned after the kick and continued, they would be temporarily banned.

However, I have been accused of being a bit of a hard arse in a lot of ways, and some of my peers argued that certain offences warrant more warnings, or should be let go entirely.  It’s up to the admin in question.  How to deal with situations you never even thought of (like your real-life girlfriend being propositioned by multiple players who are rapidly becoming abusive) are the ones that will require a bit of intelligence to deal with, and a whole bunch of common sense.

T: Most people that play online first person shooters are dumb.  I hate to say it, but it’s true.  Look at the community for any FPS, whether CS, BF2, TF2, or any others, and 90% of the community will behave like brain damaged chimpanzees simply due to a combination of teenage hormones, competitiveness, and the anonymity of the internet.

But some are smart, and it’s the smart ones that an admin has to look out for.  Smart cheaters are a nightmare for any administrator. They’re usually subtle enough that it will take rounds and rounds of play to acquire concrete evidence. As soon as they catch wind of who you are, they’ll stop cheating or leave the server.  If you somehow manage to get enough evidence to ban them, they’re probably smart enough to work out a way around it anyway. 

It takes true tenacity to be able to work (and it is work, believe me) at busting someone for cheating, only to have it all fall apart on you due to one simple slip, or simply because they’re good enough at what they do that you can’t pin it on them.  It really is like detective work, and it’s just as frustrating.  You need to be able to deal with the fact that sometimes you just won’t catch that guy you just know is hacking his 13 year old brains out, and you need to be so damn stubborn that you’ll keep pursuing him anyway until he does finally make that mistake.

Still want to go ahead with this insane idea?  If so, I salute you my dear reader.  It may sound incredibly stupid to say this about a computer game, but at the end of the day when you agree to become an admin you are becoming a volunteer worker devoted to increasing the enjoyment of other people.

The context may be a bit strange, but giving away your time and enjoyment to help others is never something to be frowned upon.  If you do a good job and work hard at it, you will get a sense of satisfaction that head-shotting some random will never provide.

Plus, if you’re careful about it, you might occasionally get away with having a map with low gravity and knives only; after all, admins are allowed to have fun too.

-Tim ‘the Corsair’ Sweeney





Various Sydney Restaurants - Review(s)

24 02 2008

(This is a list of short restaurant reviews I did for the cooking sections of the iPGN forums.  All places listed are in Sydney, Australia.)

Buon Gusto

368 Abercrombie Street, Chippendale

This is THE place for my family; we hit it for every special occasion, or for no particular occasion at all. As the name makes pretty obvious, it’s an Italian restaurant, with a specialty in seafood (although the menu is pretty huge, and the specials are actually always great, a rarity in my experience). I’ve never in 22 years of going here had a single bad meal or bad experience; even though it’s often packed to the rafters, the service is always fast and the food is always hot. Even better you’d struggle to spend over a hundred bucks for two people.

I rate Buon Gusto 10/10

Gelbisons

116 Marion St, Leichhardt

This place is pretty local for me, seeing as how I’m only a suburb over. This is a nice little cafe/restaurant that also does pizza deliveries. The pizza itself is pretty nice, although the other food on the menu is great, particularly the pasta. A fairly limited menu and sometimes not great service, but on the whole it’s nice and cheap (Averaging $60 - $70 dollars for two people in my experience) and good quality food. Plus you get the added bonus of ignoring nearby Norton St, and all the overrated crap therein.

I rate Gelbisons 7/10


Newington Inn Hotel

292 Stanmore Rd Petersham

It’s a pub/bistro, so that pretty much sums up the kind of food and atmosphere you’ll be getting; however the place is nice and clean, has a good atmosphere and a covered outdoor bistro area which is great on hot days. Cook your own meal options are provided (with some really lovely, cheap cuts of steak on offer) as well as a menu, which is somewhat limited, but bloody good nonetheless. Service is unfortunately not great, but there’s a bar with cheapish beer, so that balances out. If you’re after a cheap as chips gigantic meal and some good grog and are in the area, you could do worse.

I rate the Newo 7/10

Salisbury Hotel

118 Percival Rd, Stanmore

My local, and unfortunately that’s just about all it has going for it. The booze is more expensive than average, seeing as how it’s trying very hard to be a pocket restaurant and beer garden, rather then just a pub. The menu is pretty limited, and what’s on offer isn’t particularly inspired; basic steaks are decent, and the caesar salad is one of the better ones that I’ve had, otherwise it’s actually fairly poor. Overall a waste of time unless it’s as convenient to you as it is for me (about a hundred metres away).  Guinness on tap earns a bonus point.

I rate the Salisbury is 4/10Thai Rim Nam2 Cremona Rd, Como

Easily the best Thai food that I’ve had, in easily one of a best locations I’ve ever had the pleasure of eating at.  If absolutely scrumptious, reasonably priced (sensing a theme here yet?) Thai food (particularly the green curry, woaaaah nelly that was hot!) with rather nice views of the George’s River and Como Marina sound good, get yourself down there quick smart. The biggest downsides were that the service tended to be slow, regardless of how empty the place happens to be; not good if you like your meals fast.

I rate Thai Rim Nam a sizzling 7/10Lowenbrau KellerArgyle St (Cnr Playfair St), The Rocks

Anyone that has been a member of this [iPGN] knows that Titty loves the Lowenbrau; you know that I love the Lowenbrau; you know that Stenchy loves the Lowenbrau, as does Judy, and hell pretty much everyone that has ever been there. This German beer hall is the shit, no question, and if you’re after giant steins of awesome beer in an awesome atmosphere with not-so-awesome tightly packed in crowds, this is your place.

But how does the food stack up? Pretty bloody well actually. Offering indoor, picnic table-and-bench style seating, as well as sheltered and gas-heated outdoor tables, the comfort level and location are certainly top notch. The food, provided you love your Bavarian food, is absolutely terrific; I had bratwurst coming out my dusseldorf I ate that much last time we were there. The only downsides I can see are the crowds (getting a table is a nightmare, and you usually have to book weeks in advance) and the slow service, which goes hand in hand with the sheer number of customers.

I rate the Lowenbrau 8/10 (385,000,000,000/10 if you count the beer)

Surjits Indian Restaurant

215 Parramatta Rd, Annandale

I’m going to just come out and say this straight off: despite being an Indian joint, the curry here isn’t fantastic. There I said it. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s just that you will inevitably have had better. If you can look past that though, what you’ll find here is a massive Indian menu with a variety of dishes you won’t often see anywhere else; you’ll also find some of the best tandoori you will EVER have in your life, bar none. The food comes in huge portions, is pretty reasonably priced, service is good and you can watch while they cook it too. Only downsides are massively uncomfortable chairs (they look like little thrones, but are about as comfortable as the throne you’ve got in your bathroom) and some pretty poor parking options.

Plus if you’re a cricket fan, there’s some fairly awesome signed memorabilia scattered throughout the place.

I rate Surjit’s 7/10 stars, but knock off 2 points if you eat Indian solely for curry.

Copper Pot Indian Restaurant

72 Allison Crs, Menai

Now this place is pretty much the polar opposite of Surjit’s; limited menu, fairly poor service and a lack of any cricketing souvenirs whatsoever! What you get instead is a comfortable setting, and curry that will make your brain explode it is that good (and that hot if you want it to be). The Rogan Josh and Vindaloo in particular are mighty fine, as is the Butter Chicken if you feel like something soothing after demolishing your mouth with curry.

Bonus points for the fact the food lives up to the name and comes in little copper pots.

I rate the Copper pot 7/10, but knock off two points if you don’t eat Indian food solely for the curry.Madeira Grill
Shp 3/ 82 New Canterbury Rd, Petersham
If you like meat but have never eaten Portuguese food…well, you’re insane is what you are. Steak, lamb, pork, chicken, veal…it doesn’t matter, there’ll be triple helpings of it and it’ll all be absolutely delicious. Unfortunately if you’re a vegetarian, besides being an idiot, you’ll probably have to look elsewhere for a meal. The Madeira Grill is a large-ish restaurant, offering both indoor and covered outdoor seating, and is a pretty comfortable, chilled out atmosphere to have a meal. Service is unfortunately poor, with slow wait times and big gaps between meals, something which I absolutely HATE with a passion; but you’ll probably forgive that once you start pulling massive chunks of lamb off a giant metal skewer!

I rate the Madeira Grill a 6/10Arizona Restaurants & Bars
Miranda Westfield, Kiora Rd (cnr Urunga Pde)
Arizona’s is a gimmick restaurant (I use the term ‘restaurant’ loosely); this is a place you take the kids for their 10th birthday. As the name kind of implies, this restaurant has an American redneck/wild west theme, and pulls it off pretty nicely; props for the giant buffalo head. The food itself is fairly standard fair for this kind of thing, with massive steaks and lots of different burgers and what not. While the food is actually pretty good for what it is, the service is abysmal, and prices are massively higher than what the food is actually worth. Once again if you aren’t a meat eater, you’re pretty stuffed trying to get a decent feed here.

I rate Arizona’s a 4/10

Kafenes Greek Restaurant

149 Enmore Rd, Enmore

This one here is similar in all respects to the Madeira Grill…well except for the fact it’s Greek food. Yummy meat prevails, but if you’re a fan of other traditional Greek dishes you’ll be well served. Service was pretty good on all occasions, but if you’re claustrophobic I’d recommend not going there on a busy night; the place has very low ceilings and tightly packed tables, and this leads to both stifling temperatures and a lot of bending and twisting to actually leave or get back to the table. Unfortunately, unlike the Madeira Grill, Kafenes is fairly expensive, although the portions are pretty respectable

I rate Kafenes a 7/10Inferno Woodfire Pizza CafeBroadway Shopng Cntr Shp225, Bay St, Broadway

Ahhh Inferno, home of the best pre-movie wedges in Australia; oh yes, I said it! If you want a good quality, reasonably priced and serviced meal before going to see Hot Fuzz and play Virtua Cop 2 with a gun in each hand (you know who you are) then get ye to Broadway and get ye to Inferno. A somewhat limited menu is offset by really fast delivery of the food, and the ability to take away their awesome wood-fire pizza is a bonus if you have a big bag and the movie ushers are asleep. I particularly recommend the Inferno Burger and the wedges, they rock.

I rate Inferno a 7/10El Porron Spanish Restaurant131 Marion St, Leichhardt

Mmmm, Sangría. I love Sangría. Go here just for this; food is just an optional extra.

If, however, you insist on actually eating, then you will find a small restaurant that is big on good service (I’m talking really good, waitresses will bend over backwards in a G-rated way for you) and bigger on massively slow waiting times. The food is pretty typical Spanish fair, with a decent sized menu; however one specialty of the restaurant is a rather massive set-menu for a group of people; this gives you some of almost everything that’s ever been eaten, or thought of being eaten in Spain, and it’s great for a big night out with a group of people.

Sangría!

I rate El Porron an 8/10George’s Cafe122 Burwood Rd, Burwood

I used to go to George’s Cafe in Newtown for breakfast like every second weekend, and frequently popped over there for a quick dinner; funky old diner atmosphere (now with 75% more neon), cheap, cheerful and good service.

George’s Cafe closed in Newtown, but it lives on in name in Burwood; in name only unfortunately, as the George’s at Burwood is terrible. There’s no other word, it’s just terrible.  Avoid like thrush.

I rate George’s a 1/10Sahara Turkish RestaurantShp 101 Burwood Shopping Cntr, Burwood

I’m going to assume that everyone loves kebabs; if you do, this place is a 10/10 and you need to get here and get a takeaway kebab, no questions asked. If you’re planning at sitting down for a meal that doesn’t involve kebabs you’re still in luck though, as Sahara has some of the nicest Turkish food that you’ll get, and at a fairly reasonable cost too. However we have the recurring theme of bloody poor service; food arrived at the table cold about half the time I’ve eaten here, and the other times it was still slow. Why oh why is it so hard to find a place that is reasonably priced AND has good service? The other negative is the shonky layout; Sahara is in the world’s narrowest shop, and has dodgy backless seating and tables so squished you’ll have random strangers sitting on your lap; generally a bad thing.

I rate Sahara a 7/10

-Tim Sweeney