Grand Theft Auto IV (360) – Review

I have a long and sordid history with the GTA series, filled with laughter, tears, and the snapping of CDs.  I first “acquired” the original Grand Theft Auto (in all its top down, spritely glory) from a friend at school, and then went on to “acquire” the second game.  Both of these were entertaining diversions, especially for a kid whose idea of entertainment consisted of little beyond copious amounts of blood and even more copious amounts of boobies (but never blood ON boobies; that would be wrong).

But from there on things, for me at least, just went horribly wrong; GTA 3 – despite the pretty graphics and revolutionising the concept of “go anywhere, do anything” that is now the norm – was still incredibly flat and boring; Vice City, while my favourite in the franchise, did nothing but add some of the character and life that should have been in GTA 3; and lastly, of course, is the truly abysmal San Andreas, a game so bloated and convoluted that it collapsed under its own horridly boring, and utterly nonsensical, weight.

By now I imagine I’ve lost most of you; I expect angry comments and emails with headings like “OMGz MAeNz, Sna AnDRAES WUZ da ROckZ0rZ”, and indeed the majority of gamers seem to feel this way.  Personally, I never really got what was so revolutionary or worthy of gamers’ undying love with the GTA series; other games, such as the Elder Scrolls series, have been doing the open world thing for quite a while, and arguably a damn sight better too, albeit with more Elves and less firearms involved.

I have to admit that I was probably the only person in the world not to greet the imminent release of GTA IV with a rapturous orgasm.  In fact, I had no intention of picking up a copy for myself, and I certainly wasn’t looking forward to receiving a review version (as I had no intention of reviewing the game anyway). Everything seemed to be going along just swimmingly, but constant badgering by GTA fans and the incredibly high review scores finally managed to pique my curiosity.

So now here we are, returning from what is possibly the longest tangent I’ve ever travelled off on in one of my reviews.

The first piece of bad news for this Grand Theft Auto hater at least, is the fact that I’ve actually enjoyed my time with the game; quite a lot in fact.  In GTA IV it seems that Rockstar have finally gone about addressing the problems inherent in the series, and have actually worked to fix them rather than just throwing more content at the player in an effort to distract them.

Gone is the completely unwieldy and incredibly useless combat system, replaced instead by a fairly slick cover-and-lock-on method.  Gone also (mostly, at least) is the frustratingly repetitious, grinding gameplay; instant reloads of failed missions are now available, and overall the unforgiving, trial-and-error gameplay that so typifies the series seems to have been toned back remarkably.

Best of all, the game itself has been given a much tighter focus, and the story and characters in particular shine as a result.  Rather than being about charisma-challenged Mafioso’s or gang-bangers, GTA IV instead focuses on the story of a Serbian immigrant who is, in a massive first for the series, actually a somewhat decent guy.  He fought in the Bosnian War, and did some things both during and after which he is not proud of, but he nonetheless retains a moral compass and tries to do the right thing.  True, this inevitably gets him and his cousin Roman into more trouble (with crime sprees and violence resulting), but at least his heart is usually in the right place.

Besides giving the player a somewhat likeable character for a change, it’s obvious that a great deal of effort has gone into making the supporting cast deeper and more memorable than in previous games.  Over the course of GTA IV Niko will make friends with a broad range of characters, and they will actually act like they care about the player; expect phone calls giving advice, or assistance during missions, or even simply offering to go bar-hopping or have a game of pool.  I find it somewhat amusing that a relatively small addition like being able to hang out with a mate does so much for the immersion-factor in this game, that it’s a wonder it took so long for them to implement it properly.

The story itself is fairly small-scale this time around and thus a great deal more realistic and enjoyable as a result.  Niko is a small time criminal, and he works for other small time criminals.  While you inevitably advance up the chain, the kinds of missions you get are focused more on killing lone drug dealers or stealing cars (at least at first) then they are on murdering a legion of gang members or stealing experimental jetpacks from Area 51. While realism isn’t usually something I particularly care about in a game, the fact is that the Grand Theft Auto series is at its best when it feels like a slightly warped mirror of real life, rather than as an exploration into gang-banger fantasy land.  Kudos to Rockstar for creating a story and a world that finally feels real in almost every respect.

The addition of a multiplayer mode also does great things for GTA IV, especially considering that there are a great many options on offer.  Game modes range from straight deathmatches in small parts of the city, through to races, VIP protection, or even just free-play through the whole city if that’s what you feel like.  With up to 16 players, the multiplayer is robust enough to keep you and your friends coming back, although it’s hardly going to knock off any of the dedicated multiplayer games out there.  Nonetheless it is a great feature, and a worthy new addition to the franchise.

It’s just a shame, then, that so many of the other annoying aspects of the GTA series are still present and accounted for.  While the annoying micromanagement of San Andreas has been toned back (you no longer need to watch what you eat, when you exercise, what clothes you’re wearing, etc, etc), there is still an annoying amount of micromanagement when it comes to balancing your different relationships.  Every time you are on a mission or out with a girlfriend or whatever, it seems that one of your other friends wants to hang out and play pool; tell them it’s a bad time and they get all snarky, causing you to lose reputation with them.  This probably wouldn’t matter too much, except for the fact that keeping them happy gains you useful abilities (like Little Jacob’s mobile gun store, or the ever-amusing Brucie’s helicopter rides).

This balancing of relationships just does nothing whatsoever for the game beyond pad out its length and force the player to partake in minigames (all of which are fine, although they get old fast); finished playing a story mission and eager to see what’s next for Niko? Too bad, because Jacob what’s to hit a strip club and Roman’s feeling depressed.  If this were real life, I could understand a mate getting a bit annoyed if I hadn’t spoken to him in a week or two, but these babies want your attention practically every day, and the more friends you make, the more annoying they get until just keeping everyone placated becomes a chore…and that’s not even taking into account whether you become active on the dating scene, either.

While the gunplay and close-combat have been given a major overhaul, other control problems that have plagued the series since it first went 3D still exist.  Jumping still feels awkward after all this time, and will routinely lead to senseless falls because it is difficult to judge how well you will land (not to mention some rather glitchy collision detection on many of the surfaces of the game); a simple, Prince of Persia or Assassin’s Creed-esque “hesitate when you reach the edge” mechanic would have done wonders in this game.  

Even just walking around can be a pain in the arse; I have regularly found myself sliding off flat rooftops or falling through surfaces for no particular reason; in fact, during an early mission in the game where you pursue someone over a rooftop, Niko actually seemed to teleport into midair during the final confrontation, and then proceeded to slide uncontrollably through the air around the outside of the building before finally falling to his death. 

In another situation I found myself floating two metres above the road after getting out of a taxi, unable to get down or interact with anything until I reset the 360; even worse, I’ve encountered quite a few freezes in my short time playing the game, but at least the autosave reduces the damage somewhat.  In a game as huge as this you expect the occasional bug or glitch to occur, but the alarming regularity of the ones I have experienced point toward rushed QA at the end of production.  Who knows, maybe I’ve just been unlucky? At least none of the bugs have been game-breaking so far.

The visuals of GTA IV are another mixed bag, ala the rest of the series.  While plenty of advanced technology has been used, and indeed the city itself and most of the animation looks quite amazing, low res textures and ugly character models still abound.  Once again, I understand that in a huge game with multiple people and vehicles on screen at once, some sacrifices will have to be made, but the character models often look like slight updates of the Half-Life 1 engine! Blocky, jaggy, and pretty creepy looking, it can serve as a pretty swift kick to the immersion proverbials when your main character looks like some weird kind of Eastern European gremlin-thing half the time.

The audio, on the other hand, is almost universally terrific.  The voice acting, despite no longer containing any “famous” people, really shines in this game, and contributes massively to the feel of the storyline and its characters.  GTA IV also contains a massive soundtrack spread across its various radio stations (a terrific staple of the series), and there’s almost always something to listen to, whether it’s a funky track or an amusing talkback radio show.  Even the simple sounds of car engines or gunfire have been executed very well, and all up I have nothing but nice things to say about the audio of this game.

Well except for one thing.  Actually, this isn’t just about the audio, but rather takes in a great deal of different aspects of the game, both audio and visual.  What I’m referring to here is the sense of humour, or, more specifically, just how hit and miss some of it is.  Look, I’m hardly the kind of person to complain about juvenile jokes or lack of political correctness.  There is a great deal of humour in this game that could be classified as mildly racist, sexist, homophobic, or just purely in bad taste; I’m absolutely fine with that, as I understand that even if I don’t like a particular joke, someone else most likely will, and it’s not as though any one particular group is singled out as the butt of the humour.

My problem is with the fact that a lot of the more juvenile jokes are built in as a part of the game world.  Things like the internet dating site “love-meet”, or the café “tw@”, or just the names of certain characters; a great deal of the locations and elements of day to day life in Liberty City have rather ridiculous double entendre names, and beyond garnering a cheap chuckle when first you see them, do nothing but subtract from the realism of the game.  It just strikes me as strange that after putting so much effort into immersing the player into a realistic environment, Rockstar would then go and try to ruin it for some cheap laughs.

The biggest problem with GTA IV, however, is the lack of any reason to want to explore Liberty City.  Oblivion, the most recent gigantic, open-world game I think of, rewarded players that explored the huge world with quests, dungeons, out of the way villages, or merely a gorgeous vista to enjoy after conquering that mountain range; GTA IV, on the other hand, offers none of these beyond the occasional nice view.

Before everyone starts lambasting me on the differences between the games, I understand that GTA IV is not an RPG, and it’s probably unfair to expect to be able to hold a deep conversation with every random person wandering the streets of the admittedly huge city.  But I just hate the fact that there is little encouragement to just wander around Liberty City; you might find a new shop, or maybe encounter a standalone mission, but these are few and far between. 

Most of the time it’s just another building you can’t enter, some randomly generated traffic, and maybe a police chase to break the monotony.  The fact that events such as races and other side missions are now mostly given out over the convenient phone ironically makes this worse, as there’s even less incentive to go off the beaten track and look for things to do, meaning that the city itself feels quite hollow.  At least there are pigeons to kill, I suppose.

Of course, there are still plenty of things to do in the game itself that don’t involve exploration; I just question how much value a lot of them add to the experience.  Having a television with fully functioning channels and programming, or access to the internet with tonnes of sites, or strip clubs and cabaret theatres are great in theory, but I’ve got to wonder why you’d want to watch TV or read websites in a game?

In the Darkness, for example, watching the telly for a few minutes with your girlfriend netted you a bit of immersion and a nice achievement, but I don’t see myself ever being in a situation where I want to watch hours of TV shows inside a videogame, rather than actually playing the game itself.  It’s not that these are bad features, I just personally would sacrifice stuff like this in exchange for exploration and gameplay in the city itself.

I admit that, overall, I like this game quite a bit more than the previous games in the series, and I don’t feel embarrassed having it sitting on the shelf with the rest of the games library.  GTA IV is huge and often impressive, but it still has a great many problems, not the least of which is the fact that every moment of brilliance seems to have an equal moment of great annoyance, or at least regrets for what could have been

Nonetheless, GTA IV is a decent game with quite a great storyline and cast.  The graphics and gameplay can be, at times, brilliant; at other times, it can look and feel quite dated.   Overall though, I can safely recommend GTA IV as a purchase, especially considering that you’ve all run out and bought it anyway.  Despite being a good game, I must say that I in no way believe that it is worthy of the near-universal perfect scores it has received from the games media at large.

Each to their own, I guess.

        

Graphics: 7.5/10 (The city itself generally looks gorgeous, and most of the animation is top-notch, but many times the game is let down by low-res textures and poor-looking character models)

Sound: 10/10 (From the voice-acting, to the musical score, to even the basic sound effects, GTA IV is pretty much perfect.)

Gameplay: 7/10 (Combat has been improved, and is now almost at the level other third-person shooters were at four years ago. The driving engine feels more realistic, and it is definitely a pleasure to drive around most of the time.  Shame that moving on foot can often be an exercise in frustration)

Longevity: 9/10 (Large amount of both storyline and side missions means that there is plenty to keep you playing this, even with the lack of real incentive to explore most of the beautifully modelled city.  The addition of multiplayer is also welcome, but I doubt this is going to take over from Call of Duty 4 or Halo 3 in terms of online popularity.)

Overall: 7.5/10 (Probably the best game in the GTA series, and certainly a step in the right direction in numerous ways, GTA IV does a great many things well, particularly the story and the characterisations.  But there are still numerous problems here, and the simple fact is that GTA IV is just not the mind-blowing game that many people would have you believe.)

       

- Tim Sweeney

  

Short story being published and GTAIV review should be up tonight

Greetings and salutations,

First off, I’d just like to say “yay!”, because my short story ‘Worthy’ (which can be found under the My Fiction category) is going to be published in the Bolter and Chainsword Librarium.  While this probably isn’t big news to anyone not interested in the Warhammer 40,000 universe, to those of us that are it’s a pretty big deal.  The Bolter and Chainswords is one of the premier 40K sites on the net, chock full of talented writers and artists, so to have my maiden short story in the universe be chosen to join the other phenomenal stories is amazing indeed.

So a big thank you to Brother Sigismund and the B&C, I’m thrilled!  Even better, I’ve gone through and made some changes to the story to make it more polished and a more enjoyable read, so if you’d like to see the changes check out the My Fiction tab, or visit the B&C (once the story is up over there anyway).

In other news, my GTAIV review should be going up tonight; I’ve had a few days to play the game, and I feel that I’ve reached a stage where I can accurately review it.  Now, my dislike of San Andreas is well known (although I did dig Vice City, and to a lesser extent GTA3), but I must say that GTAIV has surprised me somewhat…in a good way?  Read the review later and find out! :D

Cheers,

   

- Tim Sweeney

 

Ranting Wombat: “Reinterpreting the Classics; Now with 100% More Childhood Memory Rape!” (Entertainment) – Editorial

What is with the current Hollywood obsession with bringing back old “classics” (I use that term somewhat loosely), giving them a lick of paint and a polish, and then pimping them out for all their worth to people gullible enough to actually think that a Bewitched movie could possibly be good? Sure, the occasional superhero movie or cartoon reinterpretation works well enough (I’m looking specifically at Iron Man, Batman Begins, and Transformers here), but at least in these cases the concepts in question are being updated into a new format and marketed to a new audience.

What justification – beyond being a massive cash cow that is – is there for something like Indiana Jones IV and the Kingdom of the Stupidly Long, Not to Mention Ridiculously Condescending Title?  19 years have passed since the release of the last movie in the series, and in that time a great deal appears to have changed; Indy got older, World War Two came and went, the Cold War began, oh, and apparently Hollywood got too damn greedy to bother coming up with some new intellectual property, do instead Lucas and Spielberg decided to vomit out a sequel!

This trend of appalling remakes – think Bewitched or Miami Vice – proves that the hacks at the studios are indeed a talented bunch; not since George Lucas’ Star Wars prequels has there been so much effort put into simultaneously shitting all over fond childhood memories, while also systematically removing all traces of what made you like the bloody thing in the first place. 

Old TV series’ and movie franchises generally died for a reason; they were woeful, or at the very least their relevance died out as the decades changed.  Old cartoons, despite the nostalgic sighs they garner from today’s Gen Y’ers, are almost universally terrible; have you actually sat down and watched He-Man or GI Joe recently? They’re ridiculously awkward to watch!  And don’t even get me started on Speed Racer or the upcoming Dragonball Z movie; two and a half hours of watching guys floating in the air staring at each other….BRING IT ON!

It’s not that I think that there isn’t room for revisiting old classics; the fact that three different movies have been made from the I Am Legend novel, for example, proves that there is room for successful reinterpretation within the medium, and there is no reason why this cannot be accomplished with some subjects (like the aforementioned comic book movies).

What I do object to, however, is the systematic raping of every fad of the past 40 years as a way to make a quick buck, regardless of how appropriate these old shows/movies/whatever actually are to people watching today.  Some shows and movies – no matter how cool they may have been back in the days of afros and flared pants – are never, EVER going to translate well to the big screen in the modern day; that’s just a fact.

It is truly sad to see that between the current trend for stupid remakes and constant sequels, original IPs seem to be going the way of Jean Claude van Damme’s hip-hop career.  I only hope that upcoming movies like Hancock (which looks awesome) will make people realise that Pirates of the Caribbean isn’t the only new idea allowed to successfully flourish in the Noughties…

Otherwise, expect to see an updated, edgier Green Acres on a cinema screen near you; it will most likely feature Angelina Jolie and Ashton Kutcher, and the theme will be remixed by SlipKnot.

…Actually, that sounds kind of cool!

    

- The Evil Wombat

GameLemon.com Exclusive: “Gaming for Dummies” – Editorial

(This is an editorial I wrote exclusively for GameLemon.com.  A short excerpt is included below; to read the rest follow the link provided below, or click here)

   

Gaming for Dummies:

When Did User Friendly Become Synonymous With Idiot Friendly?

Game developers must always tread a fine line between their artistic vision and the reality of what makes a good game as opposed to a desktop science experiment. Sure, the idea of an ultra-detailed space sim (for example) where you can literally control every aspect of the game might sound great in theory (just like Communism or car jousting); in practice, unfortunately, you might wind up with Battlecruiser 3000AD: A Derek Smart Pile of Steaming Monkey Feces, or whatever that bug-ridden mess was actually called. Games must remain games, but in the last 5-7 years there has been a growing dichotomy between how developers and marketing departments define what that really means. While developers realize that there are certain consumer accessibility requirements that games must meet, they also generally assume that their games can nonetheless exhibit a certain degree of complexity. Marketing departments, on the other hand, come from a long history of treating consumers of video games like 10-year old children, despite the fact that the demographics of this particular market have long moved into much more mature age groups.

   It then becomes a tug of war between the developers (or more precisely, game designers), who want the game to be as rich and detailed as reasonably possible (exception to this rule: EA), and the publishers, who just want a game that’s ‘good enough for the kids’ to be released at some point during this millennium…assumedly so that they can cackle evilly while rubbing their glistening, naked bodies with 100 dollar bills and the blood of the innocent, or whatever it is that game publishers actually do…
    

To read the rest of this article please click here

First exclusive article up over on GameLemon…and yet another minor layout change

Quick but important update here people!

My first GameLemon exclusive article has gone up over in the Philosopher’s Corner; it’s an editorial about the steady push to simplify games, and just how ridiculously condescending the whole situation is.

The article, titled Gaming for Dummies, can be found here.

I’ll also throw up an excerpt and link in the relevant place on the site here for future reference.

Please be sure to head over and have a look at GameLemon if you haven’t already; it’s a great site that manages to reach the perfect mix between indepth articles and quirky humour.

I’m also going to re-jig the tv-movies-books page so that it has subpages; I’ll probably add one in for sport too, seeing as how I’ve done a few articles on Rugby League lately, and I might even merge the books page in there as well.

Cheers,

  

- Tim Sweeney

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Warning: Spoilers) – Movie Review

Seeing as how I’m currently a sick and crotchety old thing, I must admit that I walked into Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with more than a little foreboding well and truly being sensed.  I, like many people in their mid-twenties, grew up on the adventures of Indy, and the idea of resurrecting the franchise twenty years later is one that doesn’t really sit well with me, especially after the wholesale murder of my childhood by George Lucas that was the new Star Wars movies (individual stunning set-pieces notwithstanding).

In a victory for Mr Beardy, Senor Spielbergo, Harrison Ford, and co, Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull can probably be chalked up in the win column as a film; it’s quite an entertaining movie, full of an old school charm and sense of adventure that draws you in, child and adult alike.

Alas, then, that this movie, although technically quite good, is simply not Indiana Jones.

All the ingredients are there for this movie to be a successful sequel.  Harrison Ford, though much older, is still amazingly fit, and his grizzled nature and tough-guy charm somehow convince the audience that a guy in his 60s can still go when engaging in fisticuffs.  We have globetrotting (complete with red line on a map) to exotic locales, betrayal, treasure, romance, a bit of the old supernatural, and, of course, a hefty dose of humour.  Even better, the CGI has (I would assume purposely) been kept ‘rough’, and generally matches the look of the old movies, which is such a nice touch that I was grinning from ear to ear at the LACK of special effects; weird, huh?

After this much time there were always going to be some changes made to the direction of the franchise, and quite a few of these come off fine.  Yes, ze Germans are gone, replaced by the more appropriate 50s-era Soviets.  The Russians, although lacking in the “love to hate” stakes when compared to the Nazis of old, still manage to put on a decent showing as villains, and  Cate Blanchett does a decent job as the head bad guy, although her attempt at a Russian accent is woeful at best.

The passing of so much time leads to a bevy of interesting situations, as well as the inevitable “I’m too old for this” jokes, which thankfully occur more rarely than I expected.  Indy stumbling into an atomic bomb test, for example, serves the purpose of being both humorous and reminding the audience that this isn’t set in the 1930s anymore.  There are a number of little touches like this that casually remind us that times have changed; the talk about Indy’s war record, for example, or the constant (and somewhat annoying in their brazenness) references to the McCarthyism of the time; even the fact that Indy accepts being called “Henry” these days, which was a big no-no back in the day.

A healthy mix between new characters and old favourites has also been reached, with the return of an old flame from Lost Ark getting Indy all worked up, and the introduction of ‘Mutt’ (Shia LeBouf as Indy’s ‘greaser’ sidekick) giving Lucas and Spielberg a place to go with the franchise in the future if they so choose (And we all know they will). 

Not all the character introductions go so smoothly however, with one that goes on to be the inevitable traitor (there’s always one) feeling very forced, as the audience is simply expected to think “This is Indy’s friend, they went to war together, now we must care when he turns on Indy within 30 seconds of the intro theme finishing,” ;it’s all so stupidly obvious; in actual fact, looking back over the movie, I can’t find a single situation where having this character in the scene was necessary!  Not really a good thing when a major character adds nothing to your script.

So I dropped the “doesn’t feel like a real Indy movie” bombshell and then spent all that time talking about how good the film is, with only the most minor of criticisms to whet the appetite.  To be honest, most of the issues with this film are of the minor variety: LeBouf, while quite good in his part, is hindered by the fact that his role is quite lame at times; occasional incidents (such as the Capuchin attack), even with their justification in the script, are just a little bit stupid; and quite a few of the stunts are too ludicrous to even mention.

But most of these are piddly little criticisms of an otherwise solid event. There is, however, one main problem with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (besides the bollocks name), but this problem is so major as to be a deal breaker of epic proportions.

I would like to warn you that the next paragraphs contain some major spoilers, but it is impossible to talk about what’s really wrong with this movie without them, so I’d suggest skipping to the last paragraph unless you’ve already seen it or are desperate to justify NOT seeing it to yourself or a loved one.

Highlight below to read:

The Indy movies have always had supernatural themes; Raiders of the Lost Ark and Last Crusade dealt with Judeo-Christian religious artefacts, and Temple of Doom had that whole heart-immortality-death-god thing happening.  Crystal Skull, on the other hand, deals with aliens; yes, you read that right, aliens.  The ‘Crystal Skull’ of the title actually belongs to a “gray man” style being, found (where else?) in Roswell.

I do not necessarily object to the subject matter (although it feels a bit weird having aliens after the quasi-religious nature of the previous movies), but I most definitely object to the way it is handled.  The viewer is told, in no uncertain terms, that we are dealing with aliens from very early in the movie, and this completely goes against the grain with the Indy franchise.  The whole point to an adventure is to have question marks floating over the treasure/magical artefact, so that the audience doesn’t know what’s going to happen or whether to believe or not; take this sense of wonder away 20 minutes in and, well, you’ve lost me and a big chunk of the audience; add in a final scene of CGI alien wankery that would have been more at home in Close Encounters, and the disappointment of everyone in the theatre was quite palpable.

In short, the biggest problem with Crystal Skull is the complete lack of subtlety in the handling of its themes and main storyline.  When you give the audience all the information too rapidly, the sense of adventure rapidly disappears.  Considering that this sense of adventure is kind of the Indy franchise’s main calling card, and all of a sudden you have problems; or you would, at least, if you actually cared about your audience (hi George!).

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is not a bad movie; far from it in fact.  But the strangely unsubtle storyline and the subsequent letdown means that it doesn’t feel like an Indiana Jones movie either. 

If this were a new entry in the Mummy or National Treasure series’ of movies, it’d probably be a terrific addition; but as a sequel to one of the most loved series’ of all time, these oh-so-important flaws ensure that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a colossal letdown.

Hopefully the next inevitable sequel will correct these mistakes; doubt it thought.

     

I rate Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: 6.5/10 (So many things went right that it’s a tragedy that something as fundamental as basic storytelling could be butchered so badly.  This is technically a good movie, but anyone with any sentiment towards the Indy franchise will most likely not like what they see here. 

If you aren’t a fan of the original movies, then you can safely add another 1.5 to the mark.)

   

- Tim Sweeney

And I’m back!

With some good news and, of course, the inevitable bad news (because I seem to be having some shocking luck lately).

The anniversary dinner with Sam went off without a hitch, and I managed to supress just how sick I was actually feeling until she was safely asleep.  Of course, I had a bit of a relapse yesterday, but I’m actually feeling at about 90% today, so here’s hoping it’s finally done.

Of course in the bad news departments, there’s two bits.  Firstly (and most importantly), the publication of a couple of my articles in a major publication has been pushed back due to scheduling issues; so another month (at least), which really sucks, but it’s nobody’s fault, so just have to deal unfortunately.

The other bad news is that I’m without my laptop for the next week, which is going to make it just a little bit hard to get stuff up on this site, especially when I’m not at home.  I’ll find a way to make it work, but I’d ask the three of you that aren’t just spambots to be patient and keep reading :D

In terms of what’s coming up for the site, I should have my review of the new Indiana Jones movie up this afternoon.  I also have reviews of GTA IV and the new Guy Sebastian DVD (there’s two things I never thought I’d see in the same sentence) on the way, plus some exclusive content going up on GameLemon, which I’ll link to as soon as it’s up.

Cheers,

   

- Tim Sweeney

A bit of personal news

Just a little bit of personal stuff for today.

Firstly I’m getting sick, thanks in part to my damn family who seem to make a habit of infecting me with their cooties.  Still, so far my immune system has stopped me from getting anything beyond a bad sore throat and a few aches, so that at least is a plus.

While being sick isn’t normally that big a deal, it is this weekend.  Why you ask (well you probably don’t care)? 

Because this sunday is my five year anniversary with Sam.  While we haven’t got too much planned (oh the wonders of being broke), we are going for dinner and planning on having a quiet time.  That is, of course, assuming that we aren’t both sick as dogs.

So, thanks to a combination of flu symptoms and romance, the pickings may be a bit slim on here for the next couple of days.  Then again, maybe not; it’s funny when the muse can take you.

Cheers,

   

- Tim Sweeney

The Condemned – Movie/DVD Review

I discovered that I have a serious problem when I found myself watching the Condemned the other day; and no, that serious problem was not the fact that I consented to watching an action movie created by a professional wrestling company.  Rather, the problem was that every time Steve Austin said a line of dialogue, I found myself saying “What” over and over and over again. 

For those not in the know, this is the incredibly annoying habit of WWE crowds whenever someone (especially Austin) speaks for more than 30 seconds during a broadcast; they chant “what”, and the whole thing is generally incredibly annoying.  Yet despite my hatred of this practice, I found that I could not help myself; lucky he doesn’t do much talking then, hey?

The Condemned, starring the aforementioned ‘Stone Quiet’ Steve Austin and the always entertaining Vinnie Jones, is an action/thriller about hunting the greatest game of all…Man.  Well, more specifically, it’s about a media mogul “buying” a bunch of condemned criminals from third-world prisons around the world, and making them fight to the death, with the last man standing being awarded their freedom.

Breckel (Robert Mammone) is the TV producer behind the concept, and brings the prisoners/contestants to a deserted island in the Pacific, rigged with a huge amount of cameras (as well as, amusingly, live crew in ghillie-suits).  The prisoners are dropped off, much violence ensues, and the online ratings continue to rise as more and more people tune in to watch the brutal show.

The most impressive part of the Condemned as a work of cinema is easily just how faithful to the core concept the creators have remained.  While Austin’s Delta operative isn’t a badguy per se, he was nonetheless in prison for murdering people while undercover in a sovereign nation, even if said people were drug dealers.  The rest of the characters, however, are a morally reprehensible lot, and this is definitely to the film’s overall benefit.

Note that this isn’t just limited to the condemned prisoners, murderers, rapists, and used-car salesmen all; oh no, the people involved in the production of the show are all morally bankrupt, and their efforts at dehumanising their test subjects in the process of lining their own pockets are startlingly reminiscent of the attitude held by the Nazis during WW2; yes, that was a comparison of a WWE action movie to those complicit in the Holocaust, deal with it.

The contestants themselves are a delightful bunch of miscreants, and while some effort is made to make some more sympathetic than others, it’s kind of difficult to feel anything approaching empathy with murderers and rapists.  Nonetheless, the combat scenes are brutally satisfying (and sometimes darkly humorous), and the repeated attempts to set off the detonator attached to all their ankles leads to some non-traditional fight scenes, which is pretty cool.

However, while a lot of the action sequences and themes are impressive (particularly the ending, which was at once disturbing and somehow satisfying), the script nonetheless has plenty of holes in it, and the somewhat poor execution of the plot itself stops this from ascending much past the giddy heights of a good Segal flick; good being a relative term, of course (think slightly better than Under Siege).

Much of the acting, for example, is not of a great quality, and the lack of empathy this creates is not helped by the lack of thought put into their characterisations by the script writers; a random FBI agent is suddenly angry with his equally random boss, and we’re meant to care why?  Why should we feel sympathetic towards Jack’s girlfriend when, after discovering he has been entered into a contest to the death on a remote island, feels the need to berate him over disappearing when he contacts her from the island?  Why should we be sympathetic towards certain prisoners (Paco, for example) when we know they are as much scum as the other “bad guy” prisoners?

In the haste to deliver some brutal scenes (one in which Jones’ character rapes a female contestant while her husband is held prisoner nearby, even though it is predominantly off camera, is still very disturbing) and as many overly preachy dialogues on morality and humanity as possible, the film unfortunately fails to draw out any emotion from the viewer beyond depression and disgust at the idea of anything like this actually occurring in real life.

And yet despite these flaws, the Condemned is still a surprisingly watchable action/thriller, and is perhaps all the better considering the exceedingly low expectations I held when putting the DVD in the drive.  Steve Austin has the potential to be a big action star due to exuding an affable confidence and toughness that ‘actors’ like Van Damme or Segal could never dream of achieving, and Vinnie Jones is great as the villain (as usual). 

There are many bad-to-average elements to this film, but the overall idea of it, as well as the action scenes themselves, mean that you should probably see it anyway; preachy morality aside, this story asks a great many questions of the viewer in terms of ethics, dehumanisation of criminals, and what comprises entertainment.

It won’t necessarily change your life, but it will definitely make you think, and how many action movies can actually say that? 

     

I rate The Condemned: 6.5/10 (Interesting concept and some impressive visuals make this worth a look.  Just don’t be fooled by the deep themes on offer here; this is still first and foremost a stupid action movie, so treat it accordingly.)

   

- Tim Sweeney

The Ranting Wombat Does Origin 1! – Editorial

Game One of State of Origin has been and gone, and this little wombat enjoyed the game enough that I’ve decided to forgo the usual angry ranting; yes, this is even with the fact that the Maroons lost!.  Even with the lack of attacking prowess by the Maroons, it was still an entertaining game, and the success of Wallace, Quinn, and the other debutants for NSW filled my loyalty-before-form-is-in-team-selection-is-so-freaking-stupid heart with joy, as did Craig Bellamy’s impressive work as coach.

There’s no real need for a play-by-play of events from the game (it’ll be replayed a bazillion times anyway), so instead I thought that I would go through and talk about the high and low points of both teams, as well as the game itself.  I’m not going to go into who I think should be selected for game 2; I doubt the teams are going to change much anyway, and I think the Maroons loss was not due to the calibre of player, but rather due to the ineffectiveness of their playmakers.

Now before everyone starts whinging about how easy it is to be an “armchair coach”, I would just like to point out that I am fully aware of just how easy it is…that’s why I’m writing it, innit?

   

The People That Impressed:

    

Karmichael Hunt – say what you will about him not being an actual 5/8 (nor is Scott Prince, for the record people), he worked his arse off in defence last night, including smashing Ryan Hoffman about a million times.  With a little work on his kicking and passing game, there is no reason why Hunt couldn’t be a damn good 5/8; as it was, his lack of those abilities probably hampered the Maroons a little in attack (especially with Cameron Smith forgetting to actually lead the side).  That isn’t Hunts fault, however, and on the whole I thought he performed quite well in the position.

   

Ryan Hoffman – Speaking of Hoffman, I continue to be amazed out just how hard he works, especially considering that he can also turn out a bit of speed or a great pass when the situation demands it.  One of the great things about the rise of Melbourne under Craig Bellamy has been a whole bunch of NRL hopefuls being given the chance to shine; it’s scary to think how many rep players would not even be playing first grade now if not for the Storm.  Hoffman gave a typically tough, no-nonsense performance, and really stood out in the NSW forward pack.

   

Mark Gasnier – I feel dirty even typing these words, but Gaz had a pretty damn good game last night.  Now admittedly he was quiet until the end, but he pulled his weight in defence, and his attacking football was quite impressive.  If he played like this consistently, and can pull out these kinds of performances when his team is not so dominating, then I would be forced to reconsider calling him the MOST OVERRATED PLAYER EVER.  Erhmm.

   

Anthony Quinn - I was impressed enough by Quinn when he played for Newcastle, but like many other players heading to the Storm has really improved his game.  Members of the media seemed shocked at his appointment in the NSW side, but I cannot for the life of me understand why; he defends well, hits well above his weight, is confident under a high ball, and can score tries too.  I hope this is the start of a long tenure in rep football.

   

Justin Hodges - Hodges was, to me, one of the few highlights in attack for the Maroons.  He tirelessly chased after every kick, and was one of the sole reasons that Brett Stewart was taken in-goal quite a few times.  He also looked positively deadly in defence, and is another player that can take down guys far bigger than him with what seems like the minimum of effort.

   

Peter Wallace – And the bloodnut makes the Blues his own; what a phenomenal performance!  From his first touch Wallace looked as though he was in complete control of the game, and never seemed to take a backward step.  He made one or two decisions that didn’t come off too well (kicked out on the full, for example), but he didn’t let these do his head in or compromise his overall performance.  In my mind he outplayed Thurston on the night, and even with the fact Thurston was under a fair bit more pressure, that is still a huge achievement at this level.  Hopefully Wallace’s great game will ensure that no one ever mentions Brett Finch and Origin in the same sentence again, unless the sentence is: “Hopefully Wallace’s great game will ensure that no one ever mentions Brett Finch and Origin in the same sentence again.”

    

The other debutants – I’m slotting them all in here, both the numerous Blues ones, as well as the couple for the Maroons.  On a night of fairly dogged defence and some lacklustre Maroons attack, all the debutants managed to have a fair bit of impact for their sides.  Besides the players I’ve already mentioned, I would especially like to compliment Laffranchi and Hannant for the Blues and Maroons respectively; both played hard, and managed to get involved in numerous positive ways.  Laffranchi especially was overdue for an Origin birth; now we just need Buderus to finally piss off so Farah can make the side.

   

Craig Bellamy - I couldn’t talk about how impressive the Blues were without mentioning the new Coach.  Bellamy is definitely the premier coach of the game, and his restructuring of the Blues was a masterful example of why he is so respected in the NRL.  NSW were disciplined, ruthless in defence, and patient in attack, all qualities which they lacked in the previous two series’.  I have the utmost respect for former Blues coach Graham Murray, but if Bellamy had gotten the job two years ago, I’m not so sure that Queensland’s title reign would have gotten off the ground

  

The Ones That Disappointed

   

Cameron Smith - A simple question: Where was he?  Smith is an absolute attacking dynamo, and is a big part of why the Maroons have dominated the last two series so well.  So why then, on a night when he was especially needed due to the absence of Lockyer, did Smith not put his hand up and take control?  Smith’s non-event performance in attack left all the hard work to Thurston, and this led to far too much pressure being placed on the formidable halfback.  If Cameron Smith had stepped up last night, the result could have been very different; that’s how much of an impact he can make.  Hopefully he’ll remember this when game two rolls around.

   

Brent Tate - Yes he scored two tries, but so what? They involved little skill on his part.  Tate, for the entire night, was pretty much terrible.  He didn’t even contest the Anthony Quinn try, when a simple jump had a decent chance to stop it cold, not to mention that being ready to actually smash Quinn over the sideline might also have worked.  He repeatedly ran too close to the sideline and was made to pay for it, his kicking game was shockingly bad, and he always seemed to be a step behind on the attack, especially when linking with Slater.  I was hesitant about his inclusion in the side, seeing as how he has been in bad form at the Warriors, and unfortunately my fears were justified.

   

Billy Slater – I hate having to say this, but Slater was disappointing last night.  Sure he was rock solid in defence (as per usual), and was completely safe running the ball back (also per usual), but his attack felt forced at times, as though he was trying too hard to make an impact, and thus missing those occasions where he could actually shine.  Admittedly he wasn’t helped by NSW’s dominant defence, or the fact that his combination with Brent Tate was severely lacking (not Slater’s fault), but nonetheless I expected better.  Mind you, I have no doubt that he will deliver come next game, assuming the selectors don’t do anything stupid.

   

Israel Folau – This isn’t actually Israel’s fault, as much as the sheer stupidity of the Maroons coaching staff for playing him on the wrong side of the field.  Seriously, why?  Why would you pick such an incredible attacking player on the opposite side of the field to where he usually plays?  If this was meant to be some form of cunning ploy, well it failed miserably.  Israel was good when he got the ball, but wasn’t anywhere near being his usual, powerful self.  I hope this is fixed for the next game, but I sort of doubt it.

  

PJ Marsh – Deserved to be selected less than every other player on the field, including Willie Mason.  Marsh has not been impressive since before he joined the Warriors many years ago, and the brief flashes of brilliance just make the rest of his play look that much worse.  As far as ball-playing utilities go, there has to be someone better to sit on the Maroons bench than this guy.  Actually I’d also like to give a dishonourable mention to Petero Civoniceva here; everything I said about Marsh applies equally to him, only with the added bonus that he’s slow as all hell.

  

Jarryd Hayne – I think Hayne might want to get some counselling, because quite frankly he has done little to excite me at all since his epic gunfight in Kings Cross alongside The World’s Greatest Gunslinger/Centre/Five-Eighth/Fullback/Captain/Co-Captain/Captain-Coach/Messiah, Mark Gasnier (I had to take a shot at him, I was still feeling dirty from complimenting him earlier…geddit, take a shot? Oh ho ho ho!).  Hayne was selected on faith after an ordinary year for Parramatta, and I don’t really think he lived up to the confidence shown in him; mind you, with NSW winning comfortably, I imagine he’ll hang onto his spot for a while longer.

  

Paul Gallen – Gallen did not actually have a bad game (although he was hardly spectacular), and indeed he’s quite a good player; however, I object to him being in the NSW side purely on principle.  This guy has built a reputation by literally grabbing guys by the balls, and has backed this up with the cheap shot on Cooper Cronk and the working over of Laffranchi’s facial injury during club games.  This kind of dirty play should not fly in the modern game, and the NSW and Australian selectors rewarding him by choosing him for rep football just sends out the wrong message to everyone involved.

  

Danny Buderus – Why is this guy still in the NSW side, never mind its captain?  Forgetting for a moment that his rise to prominence came about thanks to hanging from the coattails of Andrew Johns, Buderus has not impressed with his form for the last few years now, and Newcastle have only recently started actually winning games again.  While admittedly not an option for this Origin, how it is that Robbie Farah did not unseat this guy two series ago is beyond me.  Thankfully he’s going to England at the end of this year, although this brings up another point; I thought it was the policy of rep selectors to not choose players heading to Superleague in rep sides?

  

The Game

   

NSW - Honestly, the entire NSW side was pretty much a class act in every regard; even those players that did not impress individually managed not to let the side down, and it really is a testament to the defensive prowess of the Maroons that the winning margin was not much, much higher.  From Craig Bellamy to Peter Wallace, the Blues were damn impressive in every facet of the game, and I have the sinking feeling that New South Wales are going to take Origin this year due to their fitness, toughness, and all round ability.

  

Maroons Defence – On a night where the Maroons attack consisted of two five minute flurries atop seventy minutes of blarrgh, their defence managed to be far more impressive.  Sure they missed quite a few tackles (especially compared to the rock-solid Blues defence), but they still managed to keep the scores respectable despite really being played off the park.  With such a solid foundation to work from, I have high hopes that the Maroons attack can be brought back to where it should be for game 2.

   

Karmichael Hunt Smashes Ryan Hoffman – Honestly, this has to have been the highlight of the game for me.  After days of criticism in the press, in which Hunt’s defensive abilities were repeatedly ridiculed, watching him consistently pound Hoffman into the dirt was as impressive as it was hilarious.

   

The Slater-Hodges Express – Considering how unimpressive the Maroons attack was as a whole, as well as Slater’s individual performance, this play almost made up for it and came very close to turning the tide of the game; indeed, I have to give huge wraps to the NSW defenders that stopped Hodges centimetres from the line.  Nonetheless, this run was definitely a highlight, and showed, albeit briefly, why the Maroons backline is so feared.

   

NSW’s Aggression – Despite almost never being square at marker, NSW nonetheless managed to really impress me with how forceful they were in containing the Maroons; in fact, there were numerous sets of six where the Queenslander’s struggled to run ten metres, which is more than just impressive considering the calibre of players involved.  The fact that they repeatedly ran down and smashed Billy Slater while he was returning the football was also terrific, and was very effective in containing him for the entire game.

   

Well that’s it for this decidedly longer, and decidedly less ranty, Ranting Wombat.  We’ll return you to your regularly scheduled bitch session next week.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go scrub myself with a wire brush while mumbling “unclean” over and over under my breath; can’t believe I said nice things about Gasnier….

       

- The Evil Wombat