What is with the current Hollywood obsession with bringing back old “classics” (I use that term somewhat loosely), giving them a lick of paint and a polish, and then pimping them out for all their worth to people gullible enough to actually think that a Bewitched movie could possibly be good? Sure, the occasional superhero movie or cartoon reinterpretation works well enough (I’m looking specifically at Iron Man, Batman Begins, and Transformers here), but at least in these cases the concepts in question are being updated into a new format and marketed to a new audience.
What justification – beyond being a massive cash cow that is – is there for something like Indiana Jones IV and the Kingdom of the Stupidly Long, Not to Mention Ridiculously Condescending Title? 19 years have passed since the release of the last movie in the series, and in that time a great deal appears to have changed; Indy got older, World War Two came and went, the Cold War began, oh, and apparently Hollywood got too damn greedy to bother coming up with some new intellectual property, do instead Lucas and Spielberg decided to vomit out a sequel!
This trend of appalling remakes – think Bewitched or Miami Vice – proves that the hacks at the studios are indeed a talented bunch; not since George Lucas’ Star Wars prequels has there been so much effort put into simultaneously shitting all over fond childhood memories, while also systematically removing all traces of what made you like the bloody thing in the first place.
Old TV series’ and movie franchises generally died for a reason; they were woeful, or at the very least their relevance died out as the decades changed. Old cartoons, despite the nostalgic sighs they garner from today’s Gen Y’ers, are almost universally terrible; have you actually sat down and watched He-Man or GI Joe recently? They’re ridiculously awkward to watch! And don’t even get me started on Speed Racer or the upcoming Dragonball Z movie; two and a half hours of watching guys floating in the air staring at each other….BRING IT ON!
It’s not that I think that there isn’t room for revisiting old classics; the fact that three different movies have been made from the I Am Legend novel, for example, proves that there is room for successful reinterpretation within the medium, and there is no reason why this cannot be accomplished with some subjects (like the aforementioned comic book movies).
What I do object to, however, is the systematic raping of every fad of the past 40 years as a way to make a quick buck, regardless of how appropriate these old shows/movies/whatever actually are to people watching today. Some shows and movies – no matter how cool they may have been back in the days of afros and flared pants – are never, EVER going to translate well to the big screen in the modern day; that’s just a fact.
It is truly sad to see that between the current trend for stupid remakes and constant sequels, original IPs seem to be going the way of Jean Claude van Damme’s hip-hop career. I only hope that upcoming movies like Hancock (which looks awesome) will make people realise that Pirates of the Caribbean isn’t the only new idea allowed to successfully flourish in the Noughties…
Otherwise, expect to see an updated, edgier Green Acres on a cinema screen near you; it will most likely feature Angelina Jolie and Ashton Kutcher, and the theme will be remixed by SlipKnot.
…Actually, that sounds kind of cool!
- The Evil Wombat
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